Not seriously broken, but a little cracked I guess. Not crying, but could.
I am sure you know the feeling. We have all been there for any number of various reasons.
I am trying to understand fully why I feel this way. I am, as a rule, a very happy person. Optimistic, silver lining, don’t dwell on the negative, glass half full kind of girl. My motto each and every day:
“Today is a great day until I’m proven wrong”
Though, as I write that I realize I haven’t said that to myself in a while… I feel sad a lot. Have a for a long time. It makes me angry at myself because I really don’t have a reason to… I have so much. A wonderful, kind, supportive husband, healthy happy children and a few, but good friends. I am healthy and I have exciting things going on in my life with my business. I am going on vacation in 12 days. So what is wrong with me? Why am I sitting here on the verge of tears? There is this ache in my chest all the time, just like when your heart was broken in high school by some guy (girl).
I actually know the answer. I feel like my boys have all broken up with me. Of course they haven’t. But if you have read any of my previous posts, you know that none of them live with me anymore, and how much I miss having them in my daily life. Two are truly out on their own, working and living their life. They are happy, building careers, spending time together. I am very happy for them. The younger two, my twins, are away at school. Also happy doing their thing, living their life as they should.
When they need something, or something bad happens in their life, or something good, I always used to be their first call. This is changing. I am still their first call if something bad happens (or if they need something), but the “I miss you mom” calls, the simple need they used to have to connect with me are dwindling. One of them has told me that he is not the kind of son who is going to call me… WTF! Not cool. This is not a personality trait. This is a decision, a choice. Put a reminder in your phone every Sunday to call your mom! He has no idea how much that statement hurt me. The final straw for me I think was when one of my twins did not think to contact me in any way to let me know he was racing this weekend. I accidentally found out when I contacted him on the weekend to hear about his training camp to be told that he couldn’t talk because he was at the race. When I enquired about why he hadn’t told me that he was racing I was told “he had been really busy”. Seriously!!?! Ok, I am going to time myself how long it takes to type this: “Hey mom, I am racing this weekend”
8.61 seconds…… Too busy?? NO! He forgot. I didn’t even occur to him. Whatever.. right?
I know I am coming off a bit emotional here. But here is the thing; As mothers we are always there for our kids – from day 1. I have always been there for my boys. They would agree. I have a good relationship with them, we get a long well. But over the last many months I have been relegated/demoted to: it’s just mom, I’ll call her later, or tomorrow… and then they forget. They know I will always be there for them, of course. But does that mean they don’t have to nurture our relationship at all? There comes a point in our lives where we as children have to do our bit to nurture our relationship with our parents. And I feel they are there. I deserve a weekly phone call because I am always there for them! It actually never occurred to me that they wouldn’t
Ok, pity party/rant over.